Chapter 13: one year down...

well, it seems that i've been in this craphole for a full year now.....holy crap. doesn't really seem like that long, but when i think of the states and all you folks it seems more like ten years...who knows. i guess that can be expected. anyway, how 'bout a tale....

so i decided that it was time that chief maligunah needed a vacation. i haven't traveled or had a break since 'prom' back in june, and i was running on raw nerves....all that sitting around on my porch day after day, fighting goats and reading and wishing for work. accordingly, i decided that a change was in order - and after a few quick formalities with the chief and elders (and random old women around the village who get pissed off if i don't tell them where i'm going every single damn time i leave sankpala), i set out and undertook my first adventure in a long long time....

on the eve of this venture, before i truly set out, i was invited to a dinner with the american ambassador to ghana. only a few pcvs were invited to this thing, so i was a little weirded out at first, but, of course, accepted the invitation. hell, the american embassy was footing the bill at a pretty decent (and expensive) restaurant....and not only am i a poor man, but i'm a poor man who can't cook - and such a man will pick up a free meal whenever he can. i'm not going to go into too much detail about the dinner - it was pretty boring: the ambassador and the embassy people who were there were all really stiff and weren't too familiar it seemed with socializing with northern Ghanians (or peace corps volunteers, for that matter). all that diplomacy and political formalities at such events gets old after awhile. at least the drinks were free too, though - and that made the night more interesting. when we went around the table and gave her our introductions and what we were doing at our sites, i gave her my name but demanded that she call me by my chief name instead; that i possessed powerful dagomba juju (as all chiefs do, as you know...); that all the other guinea worm volunteers that were present were actually lying to her, because in truth i had personally eradicated the guinea worm epidemic in ghana two days prior; that i was interested in working at the embassy, just as long as i didn't have to do much paperwork 'cause i never really learned how to read all that well.....etc. you get the idea. some people thought it was funny, some people were appalled that i would be so brash and arrogant with an ambassador. whatever. i think out of all of the volunteers she met that night, i'm going to be the one that she'll remember....and being remembered by someone in high places can never hurt - unless of course they don't like you.

the next morning, a buddy of mine (greg) who's stationed on the coast down south came up to tamale to meet up with me. he's an older guy who's had small acting roles in a few movies before joining peace corps. like he was in thin red line, and then some other ones i had never heard of. anyway, our first stop was at adam's site in pishigu (north of tamale about an hour or two). adam was at the ambassador thingy too, so he rode with us. unfortunately, travel to pishigu isn't quite as easy as travel to sankpala is from tamale - we had to ride in the back of a cattle truck for three hours down bumpy dirt roads. way out in bush. pishigu is also a dagomba village, and adam's soon leaving it 'cause he's moving to tamale to become the new guinea worm coordinator - so the ol' language skills helped out a bit (dagbani, as you'll remember). we stayed in pishigu for two days, doing really nothing but having pito with the locals and greeting people and sitting with the chief and elders. the usual. however, greg and i did have our fortunes told by a soothsayer - and that was creepy as shit. we didn't tell the man anything about ourselves, yet he knew that i was the eldest son of a healer (a.k.a. doctor) and that my home was on a hill amongst trees near water. these both happen to be truthful statements, just so you know....so that was weird. but, as the bones and rocks foretold, i'm going to be a wealthy man later in life and will be happily married to a faithful woman and will live a long life. that tends to kick some ass. greg, unfortunately, merely had the blessing of always traveling safely while he was in ghana. i guess that tends to only kick a little bit of ass.

coming out of pishigu was worse than going in: once again we had to ride in the back of a cattle truck, but this time there were cows hog-tied in the back amongst us....and i was pouring rain. the cows didn't like this any more than we did, and they'd begin to kick and people would start freaking out. i've never missed my '93 dodge shadow moreso than i did that rainy morning on the pishigu road from hell.

back in tamale, we met up with luke - a volunteer in the upper east region - and took a bus down to kumasi, the main city of the ashanti people (who are the biggest jerks in the country). we ended up taking a midnight train to takoradi - a trip that was estimated at roughly 12 hours. it ended up being more like 20, but we had two adjoining rooms and plenty of food and drink and cards that we didn't mind so much. the country down there is gorgeous, and for the most part the train went smoothly......although at times it'd stop for hours for no particular reason....or go in reverse. i don't know - everything in this country is somewhat unreliable, so you have to prepare yourself for disaster or setbacks at every turn.

from takoradi, we tro-tro'd it to dan vasquez's site on the beach of axim. dan used to be stationed at mole (the game reserve...thanksgiving....the elephant that nearly killed me.....remember?), but got switched down there. the jerk has had two of the greatest sites in peace corps - running water, electricity, maids. just to remind you guys, i live in a mud hut and crap in a hole in the ground and sometimes have to wipe my ass with notebook paper. just so you know. anyway, we stayed a day there and checked out the old slave-trading fort there (like busua at new year's....the coast of ghana is littered with old forts and castles from the days of colonialism), got some surfboards and a few of those guys 'attempted' to surf (that was funny), and in the evenings checked out the local festival that was going on that week (decent timing, i'd say) - dancing and drumming in the cobbled streets. it was fun times, rest assured.

from axim, the four of us - excluding dan, who would meet up with us three days later in accra - traveled to greg's site in half-asini....which is also on the beach. he's also got a decent house, and a tv and vcd player...so we had entertainment in the mornings when we were too lazy to do anything. most of the coastal people eat from the sea (obviously), so eating yam chips with octopus or squid was a regular meal. not too bad - they dump so much pepe (pepper) on everything here that most meats all taste the same....and most of the time you don't wanna know what you're eating anyway....although i'm sure i've everything short of human so far since being here. so the beach didn't get hit up as much as it did in axim, but we did get to do some canoeing. an hour or canoeing down a small canal that cut into the jungle led us to a remote stilt village on a lake. all the houses were on poles above the water, and were connected by wooden planks. crocodiles and barracuda and God knows what else were numerous in the waters as we canoed down the river, through the jungle, and into the village....so i'd get pretty pissed off when some moron would intentionally shake the boat to scare me. call me a coward, but i don't like the idea of swimming amongst crocodiles and barracuda.

after our ventures through half-asini, we left greg at his site and moved on to accra: the new trainees were coming in, and its a ritual for the old pcvs to take the newbies out and get them wasted. of course me and my companions were obliged to do this, and we undertook this as a duty to our country. once again, thank you for your tax dollars - as you can see they're being put to good use. so yeah, these trainees were taking pictures of absolutely everything and were all doe-eyed and more or less ignorant of all customs and norms.....God i hope i wasn't that retarded when i first came here, but i'm sure i was. and you wouldn't believe how clean these kids were! holy crap, they had clean clothes and nice haircuts and were clean-shaven. mainly due to jealousy, me and a few of the rowdier pcvs began telling them all kinds of horrifying lies about what they'd be doing here in ghana, the disease, the crime, the dangers, the lack of nice things, etc. etc. freaked out quite a few of those cute little bastards - it was fun.

while i was down in accra, i had to get my mid service medical appointments taken care of. there was no way i could possibly afford traveling twice down south in the same quarter, so even though all the new kids were going through the office getting vaccinated and whining about everything and just being overall lame as hell, i still managed to get my booster shots. sweet. unfortunately, i had to give urine and blood samples....and stool samples. if you ever have had to give a stool sample before, i think you know the sheer hell i went through. they sure as hell don't pay me enough for crap like that.....get it? crap like that? crap? eh? ah, that's funny, come on...these are the jokes, friends.

and remember how back in november at mole that stupid baboon stole my glasses from me? well, i've just now finally gotten new glasses. they suck, but now i can see again. i've already lost them twice, so we'll see how long they last. thanks, peace corps.

as luck would have it, i was able to secure a seat on the bus of new trainees going north to their training site - this time in techimon, in the brong-ahafo region....not in bolgatanga, u.e.r., where i had my training. from techimon i could take a tamale-bound tro for 15,000 cedis...and its only like four hours, so i was all about the free ride for the majority of my trek back up north. unfortunately, ot my horror, i was the only pcv going north. luke, adam, and greg had all gone back to their sites earlier in the week while i had to stick around for medical crap, and dan was still in his medical crap....

this meant yours truly was solely in charge of thirty one fresh-out-of-america, ignorant, doe-eyed, scared white kids for a twelve hour bus ride. you can imagine my enthusiasm, i'm sure.

well, for the most part things went well. i got pretty sick and tired of answering stupid questions, so once and awhile i'd just make up answers. that was kinda fun. the front wheel of the bus blew off at one point and conveniently near a drinking spot. some women were there pounding fufu, and the whole bunch of the trainees all gathered around and whipped out their cameras, touristy as all hell, while i sat under a shade tree and had a beer in disgust. damn, am i ever grizzled. anyway, two of our drivers (we were in a convoy) lacerated their hands really bad (one lost the tip of his finger), pounding back the plate behind the left front wheel, so - being the health worker/'doctor' that i am, i bandaged them up on the spot using the new kids' medical kits. and, of course, they took pictures of this. at least now they think i'm captain super-volunteer or something, who knows....good for them.

we got into techimon late (surprise surprise), so i had to wait another day in order to reach tamale. when i did, i nearly wept - its good being home. i'm heading back to site this afternoon, where i'm sure to find the place just as i left it......dirty and littered with goat shit. ah, home.

that's all the news for this installment, guys - hope it was better than the last one (sorry again for the boringness of all that....). hopefully all's going well back there for all of you - enjoying the autumn and all the pleasantries of the land of decadence and glory. jerks. all right, i gotta run some last minute errands and make it to the tro yard. take it easy and i'll talk to you guys later then....stay outta trouble....until next time....

the one and only,

col. brian j. hough, a.k.a. maligunah
9th royal donkey cavalry regiment, chief of sankpala, lord among men